The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders
June 2011
After listening to The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups, written by Caldecott Award author David Wisniewski, we created our own version of "the rules" and their "truths". We wrote with creativity and wonderful senses of humor! Enjoy our rules and OUR explanations!

 This project aligned with the following Pennsylvania Academic Standards:
1.1.5 Learning to Read Independently
1.4.5 Types of Writing
1.5.5 Quality of Writing
3.7.5 Technological Devices
This page was last updated: December 20, 2022
HarlanJune 7, 2011

The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #999:
Don’t eat glue

It might make you sick
Once you eat glue, it stays in your stomach for 1 billion seconds, and sticks to all the food you consume until you EXPLODE! 
Ever since glue was made by cave men, stomach detonations have been happening everywhere on the planet. How do you think the Grand Canyon was created? Not because of a monster earthquake! The great Grand Canyon was born by a belly bomb. Oh, you want another example? Well, the wonderful Wall of China was actually built to protect against, that’s right, more gut explosions. 
Scientists made the top-secret facility, Area 51, to create cures for the belly bursting glue, like bomb-proof milk, glue-attracting tooth paste, and G.S.D.A.S. (glue stickiness disabling apple sauce). Unfortunately, they didn’t work. However, scientists (and me, of course) have found 1, just 1 way to save glue victims: put syrup on your thumb and forefinger, and pinch your nose 5 times. I have no idea why this works, and scientists don’t either. Trust me, it works. 
So, if you don’t want to blow to kingdom come, DON’T EAT GLUE!!! 


PatrickJune 7, 2011

The Secret Knowledge Of 5th Graders

RULE #226:
Don’t have food in your room.

Food falls on the floor and gets all smelly.

Even though left out food does get smelly, the real reason grown-ups don’t want food in your room is the left out food releases a stench that awakens all your clothing. That’s the reason why as soon as the garbage is full you have to take it out. 
Your wardrobe would be horrific. You would have an infestation of dog-eating socks, the dangerous food-flinging sweaters, and worst of all SKINNY JEAN-REX! People all over the world hundreds of years ago went into hiding all because one guy named Billy Bob had nachos in his room. Birds flew North for the winter to keep away from the monstrous clothing. Humans went into caves to hide. That’s how cavemen started. 
Also, hundreds of years ago clothing took over the world. T-shirts were the new sheriff in town. Humans had to protect themselves with bleach. Just this once I agree with parents. NO FOOD IN YOUR ROOM! 
AdamJune 8, 2011

The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders 

RULE #58:
Clean your room

To keep it neat and organized

The truth is if you don’t clean your room the atomic structure of the trash will expand and multiply! Aftershocks from other atoms sparking would cause atom cells to split and regenerate to new pieces of garbage. So, if you had a small drawer about 5 inches wide and 3 inches long full of garbage, in two hours the garbage would regenerate and could be enough to fill a large chest of drawers. 
This multiplying fusion is possible to happen because of Professor Don Yak Loopywig, the smartest scientist alive in 1895. Professor Loopywig was known for the wig with curls he wore everyday. He was conducting a great experiment, making non-living things multiply. While he left one day to get coffee, a robber came in his lab and demolished the project causing an atomic fusion radio wave to cover the planet, killing the robber and Professor Loopywig in the process. Soon after, Professor Loopywig was long forgotten. 
Even though this happened, if items that belong in the garbage sneak their way into a pile, clean it up quickly. If you see the junk turn into a big green glowing blob, get it to a garbage bin fast. But if the trash multiplies too quickly, grab your friends and family, and run! Call the fire department after you get clear of the blob to destroy the mess. So keep your room clean! You don’t want your home filled like a jelly donut with garbage, would you?            
Sara   June 7, 2011

The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #306:
Don’t be mean to your little sister!

It will make her cry and I really don’t want to deal with it at all

It really means she will turn into a MONSTER! If you torture your little sister she will instantly transform into a big, crying, horrifying beast! She will start crying. She will then cry even louder. Then louder, and then the LOUDEST. You will regret doing this to her. Never ever mess with your little sister; you don’t want this to happen. You will scream to the skies on your knees, yelling to the Gods: “AHHH! Why, why, why! Why is this happening to me?????!!!!!” 
But there is 1 measly little trick to make her stop. Kids under 10, don’t try this at home. What will make her stop is: You need to go all the way to the United States of Kerfadshin, a country in far at the end of Asia. But, you can only go the long way past Ireland, past India, past China, past Japan, and past South Korea. You can’t go the short way across the United States of America to the far, far, far end of Asia. It will make your sister even worse. 
So once you’re in the U.S.K., you need to climb up the top of Mount Fillomanjaro, the biggest, most horrendous mountain in the world! I know, I know, Mount Everest is the biggest mountain in the world. Wah wah! Mount Fillomanjaro just hasn’t been discovered yet. Only people of the U.S.K. know about it. Back to what you need to do. So when you’re at the top of the mountain, there is a little tree. You need to walk up to it and say your prayers. Every single one. Then, you are supposed to pick 2 Nesquik strawberry milks off the tree, just in case it happens again. I know you are probably saying: “But I can get that in the grocery store!” But there is a very little difference. The very little difference is that milk contains super-special Kerfadshin ingredients. Then you just need to take the escalator down the mountain back to wherever you live. 
I know you are yelling and tearing your hair out yelling: “Is this a lie? Why can’t you take the escalator all the way to U.S.K., up the mountain??!! This is ridiculous!” The reason for this is because in the U.S.K. up escalators have been out for years. By what I mean by “out” is they have been senseless to Kerfadshins for years.
When you get home, throw one of the cups at her and when it splatters in her face, she will shrink and not be so slobbery. Then your parents can come out from hiding in the bushes. That is how you can cure your sister from this hideous mood swing.  
WesleyJune 8, 2011

The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE: #638:
Don’t eat too much sugar.

Don’t eat too much sugar because it’s bad for you.

The truth is you shouldn’t eat too much sugar or your teeth will turn into horrible flesh eating monsters (HFEM). The first sign of teeth as being an HFEM is that your teeth will start to glow in the dark. This has something to do with the nerves in your mouth and also the nerves in your teeth.               
The second sign of HFEM is mouth dryness. The sudden mouth dryness is due to the sugar. It soaks up all the moisture. Due to this mouth dryness, it causes fungus to grow on your teeth and this fungus will start the real process of HFEM. 
The third sign of HFEM is trouble talking. Only the small words, but it will grow worse. This will also affect breathing. By this time you definitely need a doctor before the teeth take over your whole mouth. I hope this will teach you to never eat too much sugar. 
Zachary          June 8, 2011

The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #999:
Get off the video game

It will make your eyes go bad

Has a grownup ever told you to get off your precious video game? While we’re on this topic, have they ever told you that video games can make your eyes go bad? Well no, no, no that is not the reason they want you to get off your video games. The truth is that when you get off your video games your parents sneak into your room like ninjas to learn how to play like a pro! 
Now the reason they want to learn how to play is to figure out if they’re way better than you. But if they figure out you are better than them they will sweat up your controller badly just to annoy you. Then again, if you do not beat them in score then you can be looking at the biggest bragging fit you have ever heard. 
Another reason why they tell you to get off your video games is because they want to know way more than you. As you know, your parents know more than you. When they don’t know how to do something and you do, they are most likely going to try to figure out how to play.  P.S. We all know parents LOVE to have bragging rights. Another reason is they don’t like to share at all. Why, you might ask? Well it is more likely they just want to drive you insane!
So if I were you I would put cameras in my room and many locks on my door plus a little bit of wrapping paper on your controllers just in case your parents get past those hardcore locks, which they most likely will.  If you find your high score beat and the screen name is (nothing) it’s most likely your mean old dad. So keep your video games safe kids.

CollinJune 8, 2011

The Secret Knowledge of Fifth Graders

RULE #14:
Don’t sit in front of the T.V.

You will hurt your eyes.

The truth is if you are close enough the pictures on the T.V. will enter your eyes and control your brain! 
You see the pictures in the television are called telemorphs. They can exit the T.V.  by going through miniscule holes on the screen. Once out they have a blob-like form. Soon they will crawl up your body and enter your pupil. From there the telemorphs can reach your brain. Using their powerful minds they make you do exactly what they did on the television. 
The pictures from the T.V. can make you do wacky things and you cannot stop it. Sometimes if you watched Spongebob, you might run around saying I’m ready! People will think you are crazy! Or if you were watching Law and Order, you could rob a bank or worse. Then you’ll go to jail! 
Fortunately there is a way to cure and prevent this. Recently doctors have discovered that if you get brain surgery they can remove the pictures and return them to the television. Unfortunately this is highly expensive and risky. The way to prevent this from happening is very simple. Listen to your parents and stay at least ten feet away from the T.V.  The point is think twice about sitting in front of the television.