The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders
April 2007
After listening to The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups, written by Caldecott Award author David Wisniewski, we created our own version of "the rules" and their "truths". We wrote with creativity and wonderful senses of humor! Enjoy our rules and OUR explanations!

 This project aligned with the following Pennsylvania Academic Standards:
1.1.5 Learning to Read Independently
1.4.5 Types of Writing
1.5.5 Quality of Writing
3.7.5 Technological Devices
This page was last updated: October 22, 2015
Taylor April 19, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #81:
Keep your desk clean.

OFFICIAL REASON:
It looks nice and neat.

THE TRUTH:
Yes, keeping your desk clean does look nice and neat. That is not the real reason though. You have to keep your desk clean because if you don’t little scraps of paper will transform into monster notebooks. You might color in normal notebooks, but monster notebooks like to color on you! They find some markers or crayons. They color your hands when you look for something in your desk. I should tell you that monster notebooks love it when they find permanent markers. They sometimes hold your hand down to color on them longer. You can never get rid of the monster notebook, so clean your desk.
The pencil tips become pencils and when you go to write with them, they will try to poke you! Yes, they can look like normal pencils, but they are excellent at acting. If they do poke you, you will transform into a pencil in two to four days. There is only one way to ever be a person again and that is to sleep in your desk for three nights. On the 3rd morning you will be human again.      

JakeApril 18, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #603:
Don’t play ball in the house.

OFFICIAL REASON: 
You might break something.

THE TRUTH:
There is such a tale as a little boy playing with his basketball in the house. Until one night when the boy was sleeping the basketball took him and started using him to play basketball with. The ball took the boy and started shooting him at the backboard. By the time the basketball got tired the boy was black and blue with bruises all around. The basketball didn’t even bother putting the boy away. He just threw the boy on the yard and the boy was never seen again. So next time you should think twice before… well you know. 

SydneyApril 18, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #7:
Don’t eat sweets before dinner.

OFFICIAL REASON:
It spoils your dinner.

THE TRUTH:
You’re not supposed to eat sweets before dinner not because it spoils your dinner. It’s because if you eat delicious sweets before dinner the sugar molecules (TSM) start a wrestling match with the food you eat for dinner and you get cramps. But that’s not even the worst part. After you get cramps, the TSM’s eat all the food you ate for dinner. There is only one way to stop this diabolical disaster… DON’T eat sweets before dinner. You might want to eat these delectable baked goods, but don’t. This will only make symptoms worse.

Jeremy                       April 17, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE  #36:
Always brush your teeth.

OFFICIAL REASON: 
It will make your teeth white.

THE TRUTH: 
            There are little people living inside you and they eat your teeth and dump yellow paint on you. They eat your teeth for dinner and lunch and breakfast. The worst part about it is that you can’t see them. They’re invisible. They have parties inside of your teeth all day. They also have to sleep on you and they chip your teeth with hammers so they have blankets.  They also play baseball on you and play football on you and any other sport you can’t think of. 
So when you feel your teeth are hurting, that isn’t a loose tooth, it is a home run or a touchdown. And now maybe you learned something about these little people. And please just brush your teeth. It will not kill you. No, seriously… just try brushing. There will not be any people living inside you. I’m not just saying this. There will not be any people living inside. The End!

Megan April 12, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #: 322
Don’t eat chocolate too late at night.

OFICIAL REASON: 
You won’t be able to sleep that night.

THE TRUTH:
You don’t eat chocolate late at night because you won’t be able to sleep. You don’t eat chocolate too late at night so the EVIL GARDEN KNOMES don’t turn you into chocolate, and eat you while you’re asleep.
Long ago when evil chocolate cows roamed the earth, one of the evil chocolate cows decided he wanted to decorate the outside of his barn. Now this wasn’t a normal chocolate cow. This was Cocoa Einstein. So, Cocoa went into his house, lifted the Hershey Bar carpet, and slid down the secret tunnel. Then he extracted the secret, How To Drink Chocolate Milk book and that elevated the bookshelf. After he walked through the secret doorway of the bookshelf he was in his secret lair. Cocoa Einstein was a crazy scientist who loved to create things. But remember Einstein isn’t normal. He doesn’t generate normal things. He generates magical things.  Unfortunately Cocoa doesn’t always recognize that he creates magical things. In fact Cocoa never realizes that he creates magical things. 
Now Cocoa got out all his tools. A karinky, a laremloodle, and a leedleleedle. (In those times hammers and saws and other tools had different names from what we call them today) First Cocoa got some laremloodle and stuck the legs on to the main part. Then he used his karinky and tapped the arms on softly. Finally he drilled the head on with his leedleleedle.  Now he was painting, but not just with ordinary paint, (well at least Einstein thought they were ordinary) but with magical paint. Usually Cocoa would paint with light (not evil) colors, but this time Cocoa painted with dark evil colors, because he wanted to do something different. 
The evil paint does something evil with the first thing they see. Before the invention came alive Cocoa Einstein decided to call the invention something different. He thought since they’re going to go in the garden I might has well call them… Garden Gnomes. Then when Cocoa went to get some more chocolate milk the garden gnomes came alive. First thing they did when they woke up was look for sunlight. So they did the obvious thing and looked out the tinted window. What they saw was a cave child and a chocolate bar.
Now that the EVIL GARDEN KNOMES know what they are going to use as their evil bait all they had to do was plan what they were going to do with it. The EVIL GARDEN KNOMES decided their plan of their attack late at night and then they would turn children into chocolate if they ate it too late at night. And then as a treat for themselves they would eat you and you would spend the rest of your life inside a garden gnome. 

JustinApril 24, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #1:
Clean your room.

OFFICIAL REASON:
It makes your room nice and neat.

THE TRUTH:
Yeah… cleaning your room does make your room nice and neat but that’s not the real reason.  The real reason is to avert your possessions from attacking. Millions of years ago toys, televisions and beds attacked anyone or anything that touched them. They had video games as power packs so they wouldn’t run out of energy in an attack. The only way to stop them from attacking is to shut the video game consoles off. Clean your room… not just to make it clean but also to avert the return of angry video game monster giants.    

LukeApril 19, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #: 999
Do not play with fire.

OFFICIAL REASON: 
Because you will burn yourself

THE TRUTH:
Sure you don’t play with fire because of the chance you will burn yourself. But that’s not the truth because the truth is that if you play with fire and the fire doesn’t light something within one minute the warmth of the world will go out. With the truth revealed most flammable felons will lose their day job. But that still doesn’t stop the notorious Dr. Flame. 
Dr. Flame started out as an everyday commuter to the lantern mill. But one day while lighting a lantern for a Boy Scout camping trip everything went horribly wrong. As Dr. Flame was lighting the lantern he slipped and fell on the lantern oil, thus extinguishing the flame. Luckily though, a fellow worker was close by to light the lantern before something could really go wrong. But as all this was going down it changed Dr. Flame in a way. Such stories are told that Dr. Flame got his job back but other stories reveal that his criminal jeans were lit and they wouldn’t go out soon. So the next time you think of playing with fire think of Dr. Flame and how the world would be affected by a horrific incident of terror like the warmth of the world going out.

KaitlynApril 19, 2007
The Secret Knowledge of 5th Graders

RULE #562:
Always brush your teeth.

OFFICIAL REASON:
You won’t get cavities.

THE TRUTH:
The truth is that you brush because if you don’t the little germs in there won’t be so minor anymore. They will sprout and flourish and grow until they reach the size of a ten-story building. Once they’re that size they will obviously pop out of your mouth so when they pop out run away as swiftly as you can. After that happens go brush your teeth for 20 minutes. That will stop the large germ and it will not be able to move. 
Then call this number: 123-4545. That’s the Giant Germ Patrol (or GGP for short). They will ask you a few questions and then come to the rescue. The bad part is they tell your parents. Then they tell you to sign a piece of paper that says that if you don’t brush your teeth they will send dentists after you. If this happens they take your toothbrush and replace it with a talking one and it will annoy you until you brush your teeth. This will go on for the rest of your life unless brushing your teeth becomes a habit. Then they will give you your old toothbrush back. But, other than that there is nothing you can do about it except BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!